


Without You

by KillerAddiction20



Series: Without You [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hange Zoë Being Hange Zoë, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-11 21:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 23,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillerAddiction20/pseuds/KillerAddiction20
Summary: The world has been saved from the titans, but freedom has a price...Eren is gone...Will humanity's strongest find the strength to carry on in a world without the shifter?





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Oooh boy it's been at least two years since I touched this fic  
> I may re-write at some point but for now - have the unedited, angsty teen version

He was unsure which pain was worse; the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will. As Levi sat leaning against Eren's bed he balled his fists into his eyes trying, and failing, to stop the tears from flowing. His body shook as he cried silently to the empty room and felt his heart shatter all over again. It had only been a few days since it had happened and every minute had been torture for the captain. It had taken everything he had to keep an emotionless facade up for the rest of the scouts but when he was alone...it was hard to keep going. He felt someone touch his shoulder lightly and Levi slowly raised his head to meet a pair of large brown eyes.

"It'll get better you know" 

Levi didn't bother to wipe the tears away, she had already seen them. Instead Levi stared into Hanji's eyes.

"What will?" 

Hanji gave Levi a sympathetic smile and tried to keep on a brave face for her captain.

"We all know about you two...well most of us do anyway. You don't have to pretend with me, Levi. I know you loved him...he loved you very much too" Hanji watched as Levi's eyes filled with tears again yet he didn't move or make a sound as they spilled onto his cheeks. The scientist didn't quite know how to comfort the older man - how do you comfort someone who never shows emotion? She knew what she wanted to do...maybe he just needed a little push...

"Please, Levi. Eren wouldn't want you to be like this" 

At the mention of his name Levi completely broke down. His body gave out from under him and he fell forward into Hanji's waiting arms. He shook with the force of his sobs and he could feel Hanji rubbing soothing circles onto his back. They stayed like that for what felt like an age until Levi finally spoke.

"Have you ever been so sad that it physically hurts inside?" He said in little more than a whisper. Hanji held Levi tighter and closed her eyes. She had never heard her friend so broken before, not even after Petra's death. She continued to rub Levi's back as his tears began to stain her shirt.

"It hurts now but the pain will pass...just remember him. Remember everything you can about Eren Jaeger and how he made you feel and over time you'll hurt less and less. One day you may even smile back at the memories you shared" Levi sniffled as he took in Hanji's words and he grabbed a fistful of her shirt, pulling himself up so he could look into her eyes.

"H-he had the most a-adorable eyes you could ever fall for a-and the cutest smile that takes yo-our breath away" His eyes were pleading with her as if trying to convince her of what he was saying.

"He had the ability to make you l-laugh every time he spoke and whenever you looked into his eyes it would be so hard to t-turn away..." 

Hanji bit her lip to hold back tears of her own - it was so heartbreaking seeing him like this. But she could see already that Levi had calmed down some and that he had stopped crying; speaking about Eren distracted him. So, she sat there until the morning light and listened as Levi told her everything he could about Eren - and she listened. Because that was the least she could do; listen. And when Levi's eyes began to un-focus and his speech slowed she gently lifted him up and placed him in Eren's bed. She watched as he curled himself around the blanket and pillow and breathed in Eren's fading scent. It broke her heart but she had been expecting it. After all; losing the love of your life is painful, but losing the love of your life who is also your best friend is even worse.


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

People say they can pinpoint the moment they fell in love with someone, but honestly, I found myself falling further into love every single day. I would try my hardest to distance myself and turn him away but somehow the brat would always manage to tear down my walls and leave me feeling so vulnerable. I guess the moment I realized how bad I had it was when I found the brunette crying in his cell. I had gone down to talk to the shifter about the previously failed expedition plan when I found him with his head on his knees and his arms wrapped around his legs. His body shook with near silent sobs and for a moment I stood there completely unsure of what to do in this situation; I had never before found one of my men crying to themselves. He sniffled and let out a shaky sigh before raising his head slightly to wipe away his tears with the back of his hand. His movements froze, however, when he saw me standing there. His eyes widened a fraction and he was quick to hide any evidence of his little moment, but of course I had seen enough. Eren sat up straighter and held his head high as if nothing had happened and it made me wonder...how many times has this kid cried down here, all alone?

"Jaeger...you alright?" 

Eren bit his lip and looked away from me as if deciding on what he should say. 

_You better tell me the truth, brat._

"I...I don't know anymore..." His whispered words barely made it to my ears, but I heard them. I didn't even think twice as I opened and closed the cell door behind me and locked myself in with Eren. I moved and stood in front of the titan and crossed my arms out of habit – not meaning for it to be intimidating.

"Tell me what's wrong" 

Eren gave an emotionless chuckle and shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes.

"What's wrong? It's my fault....so many are dead now...because of me, because of what I am" His hands balled into fists on top of the bed and he closed his eyes tight to hold back more tears. He was clearly struggling to cope with everything that had happened and who had actually noticed? I felt my heart sink as I remembered the mission that had failed days before and realized that Eren must have been feeling like this ever since the incident. 

_And what have you done to help him, Levi? Did you even consider how he might be feeling about all this?_

I admit, a small part of me died when I saw the squad members' corpses lining the forest floor but I never once blamed Eren for what happened...did he really believe it was on him?

"Look, brat, what happened today wasn't your fault. It was mine" Yes, I gave the orders and the deaths of the squad members could have been avoided if I had just let Eren transform himself.

"Of course, it was my fault! If I wasn't this...this monster then that abnormal wouldn't have chased us! I couldn't help them; don't you get it? What's the point of me having these abilities if I can't save people?! I couldn't protect them...I couldn't..." He let out a shaky sigh and covered his face with his hands.

"I'm useless. You don't need me" 

I froze as I heard those words and suddenly I grew angry. I was angry at the abnormal for killing my friends, I was angry at my men for making this kid feel so lonely that he had to cry at night, alone...but most of all I was angry at myself. I knew I had feelings for Eren and that's why I distanced myself, yet by doing this I completely disregarded Eren's mental stability and ignored the signs that he wasn't coping well. Instead I had done what the rest of my men had done and practically banished him to the cells – where the Eren I had come to care for had been eroded away, and this weak shell had been left behind. I was slowly killing another of my men, but I knew Eren could be saved. I crouched down in front of the crying boy and took hold of his chin moving it upwards and forcing him to look at me.

"Don't be so stupid" Eren's eyes widened at how close our faces had gotten.

"C-captain?"

"I have no idea what you're thinking right now, but whatever it is forget it. We need you"

"But...how can you not hate me? After all I've done?" His voice shook as he spoke and I couldn't stop myself from pulling him closer and wrapping my arms around him. His body froze in shock for a few seconds before he tentatively wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. I felt a blush creep over my face at the current situation and I couldn't ignore the way my heartbeat sped up by having Eren in my arms, but I pushed aside the wave of emotion knowing that now was not the time. Right now, Eren was breaking and he needed someone, he needed me, to hold him so that he wouldn't fall apart.

"You've done nothing but fight for your freedom and the freedom of those you care for. Don't listen to the people who judge you for what you are; listen to me. You are humanities hope and that makes you very important" 

I felt his hands clutch at the back of my shirt as he buried his face further into my shoulder. I had never been very good at comforting people, much less someone I had feelings for, so I felt a small sense of accomplishment when I rubbed small circles onto Eren's back and he began to relax in my arms.

"You're right..." He muttered. He began to pull away and I reluctantly let him leave the comfort of my embrace to sit back and face me. When he did I was greeted with a breathtaking smile I had never seen before and I could feel my face growing redder. 

_That smile...that smile is for me._

"I know everyone's counting on me, captain, and that I have to be strong... so, I'll be strong and I promise I'll win this war for you, Levi" 

I don't know whether it was his words, the way he was still smiling, or perhaps the way his eyes shined bright with such emotion but in that moment, I knew that I had fallen hard for the shifter and that there was no trying to deny it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to kiss the boy and promise him that nothing would ever hurt him while I'm around...but I'm not that brave and I didn't want to overwhelm the boy. So, I stood from my crouched position and looked the shifter over. His eyes were still red and puffy but he had visibly calmed compared to earlier and he was still smiling, albeit smaller. I turned around, knowing he was still following my movements, and opened the cell door again. After locking it back up I gave Eren a sideways glance and rubbed the back of my neck.

"When your upset or feeling like this then you shouldn't hesitate to come find me" I didn't wait for a response before turning on my heel and walking along the corridor the exit – before I did something stupid. I had just reached the door and was about to close it behind myself when I paused.

"Thank you, Levi" 

It was so faint I barely heard it but it still made me smile to myself as I walked through the castle's many hallways until I reached my room. I quickly prepared myself for the night and crawled under the soft blanket covering the bed. It didn't take very long for sleep to take me and as I drifted off one thought was a constant presence in my mind;

_I am in love...with Eren Jaeger..._


	3. Comfort

Levi rarely visited Hanji when she worked – mainly due to the fact that her lab creeped him out. Dissected and pickled specimens filled a shelf along one wall and on another there would be unreadable scribbles of notes taped to the wall. She would usually be working on some sort of experiment that would leave the captain with a migraine and nausea when he left the room, so he was mildly surprised when he entered the lab and his friend was calmly sat waiting for him. The table was clear and the notes had been removed. The specimens were still present but their outlines were visible underneath a cloth that had been thrown over them. Levi didn't react, however, to the changes in the room and turned lifeless eyes onto the brunette.

"What do you want?" The scientist gave her old friend a small smile and told him to take a seat. When he stayed standing she rolled her eyes and adjusted her glasses. She was aware that her happy place made people feel uneasy and for this task she wanted to make Levi feel as comfortable as possible – which unfortunately meant no experiments for a few days and hiding away her samples. She leaned backwards, reached behind herself and pulled out a small worn notebook. The ran her fingers along the cover of the book and gave a small sigh. When she had seen it discarded on the floor she knew she had to take it, she had to save it. Levi watched in mild curiosity as Hanji held out the book to him and bit her lip.

"I promise I haven't read any of it...I just couldn't leave it alone, you know?" Levi took the book from her hands and frowned slightly – he recognized this book. He lifted one of the thin straps that used to bind the book closed and let it fall, broken, from his fingers. He remembered the argument, the tears and the sound the leather made as it ripped when Levi threw it across the floor. His hands began to shake as he opened the cover and the air was ripped from his lungs as he read the scribbled words;

Eren ~~Jaeger's Ackerman's?~~ Jaeger's Journal 

Levi slammed the book shut and gripped it so tightly that his knuckles had started to turn white. 

_This was...Eren's..._

Levi had no idea that Eren had even kept such a thing as a journal and it was clearly something he had used often if the quality of the book was anything to go by. He couldn't stop himself, not that he cared anymore, and held the journal close to his chest as if it would be taken from him at any second.

"Where did you get this?" Hanji gave a small shrug and leaned back in her seat, happy with Levi's reaction.

"Eren gave it to me not long before...well, before it happened" Levi frowned and lifted his head.

"Why would he give this to _you_?" He hadn't meant for it to sound so harsh but Levi was growing more confused – since when were Eren and Hanji so close? Why hadn't Eren told him about the journal?

"Maybe you should read it first, Levi. Maybe then you'll understand" Levi didn't want to understand. What he wanted to do was scream at Hanji until the answered his question properly and told him why Eren had gone to her instead of himself. But Levi didn't have the strength to shout at his friend, he didn't have the energy to snap back. He asked her if there was anything else she wanted from him and when her reply was a 'no' he left the room and tucked the journal into his pocket.

**~O.O~**

Levi took a mouthful of the bitter drink and placed the bottle beside himself on the floor. He had mixed feelings about whether he should read Eren's journal – he felt it was still, in a way, an invasion of his privacy – but after taking some alcohol from the kitchens he had worked up the courage to open the cover of the journal and look inside. He flicked through the pages and saw entry dates along with pages full of scribbled words, miniature doodles and random notes that made no sense to the captain. Levi sighed and turned back to the first page and began reading about Eren's time training to be part of the corps, his struggles and fears and all his hopes. Levi read the entries from when Eren became a part of the team and to when he was used to patch the wall up. Throughout all this there seemed to be a constant theme throughout the journal...Almost every entry mentioned the captain in some way. Whether it was something the captain had said to Eren, something the captain had done or just something Eren had noticed – and then the entries changed. Not long after the wall was fixed Eren began to confide in his journal. Levi felt his mouth open in shock as he read the words in front of him;

_Jean had another bad day today. We were arguing like normal and he just started crying so I listened to him and he told me something interesting. Jean really loved Marco but he never told him his feelings and near the end of his moment Jean told me that life is too short and that I should make the most of the time I have. I didn't understand what he meant at first but now...maybe he's right? Maybe I should take the risk and tell Levi how much I like him...no maybe not. What if he doesn't feel the same? He could make my life hell...I might see how things play out and if I feel like he may feel the same then I'll confess to him._

Levi had spoken to Eren many times about their feelings towards one another but Eren had never mentioned anything about the passage he had just read. Levi took another drink from his bottle and ran a hand through his hair, his hands shaking once again. He didn't know what to expect from the journal after that last entry and he was starting to feel nervous.

It was all unnecessary, however, when he saw what was written and a small, rare smile appeared on his face...

_...Today was the best day of my life. Today Levi told me he loved me..._


	4. Catch Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

I had made up my mind; today was going to be the day I confessed to Eren Jaeger. The day was nothing special and nothing particularly interesting had happened but for some reason I felt like today would be the perfect time. I had been waiting all morning for the right time to talk to Jaeger but he was always surrounded by his friends it was near impossible to get him on his own without 'summoning' him to me. I didn't want to do it that way – I didn't want my confession to start out with me making him nervous. I hadn't planned what I was going to say – in hindsight it would have been wise to – and I was shitting bricks because what if he didn't like me back? What if he wasn't even into guys? These two little thoughts were picking away at my heart to the point where I was considering abandoning the plan...so what if he didn't know? My nerves we're getting the better of me and I felt like an idiot as I paced around the small meeting room. _As if a kid like that would ever feel something for someone like you...don't embarrass yourself, Levi. I knew I wasn't good enough for him, he could do much better; I'm old, worthless, weak..._

"...ptain? Captain!" A hand touching my shoulder pulled me from my thoughts and my vision was blocked by a pair of beautiful green eyes filled with worry. I backed away, quickly becoming conscious of how close we were, and set my features to the usual dull expression.

"What are you doing?" Eren rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a nervous smile.

"I came to see if there were any other chores you needed me to do...you were kind of spaced out and you weren't responding" _Damn, how long has he been here?_

"More chores? You can't have finished everything already" Eren gave me a confused look and gestured to the window.

"Captain it's night-time. If anything, I'm late finishing my duties..." He looked to the floor and appeared to brace himself - was he expecting to be yelled at? I looked out the window and saw how dark it had gotten and pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. I had been so worked up about talking to Eren that I had lost track of time and wasted the day away. I brought my hand away and walked past Eren.

"You coming, Brat?" I heard Eren shuffle along behind me as I moved through the castle.

"Captain...where are we going?"

"I don't have any more jobs for you but you need more practice with your gear" In all honesty Eren was fine with his gear and, judging by the annoyed huff Eren made, Eren knew it too. I just realised that this may be one of the very few moments where I'll get Eren to myself and I needed to make sure we wouldn't get interrupted.

 

 

We ended up at the forest and for half an hour both Eren and I moved silently through the trees with me giving the occasional training tip. When I noticed Eren's movements begin to slow and become sluggish I suggested we take a break and landed on the forest floor. Eren leant back against a tree and took a few deep breaths.

"I don't think I can take much more, Captain" I rolled my eyes and turned my back to Eren. I listened past Eren's panting and was pleased to find no-one else out here with us. Now was my chance. I had to take it.

"Eren..." It felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get the words out – I couldn't bring myself to take the risk. I felt like such an idiot. This would never work anyway...

"Levi?" I closed my eyes and kept my back facing him.

"Levi what's wrong? You never train this late and you've been acting odd recently" _Did he know? No, there's no way he could know..._

"Tch. What are you trying to get at, brat?"

"Nothing I just want to know the truth! What's going on with you? You've been agitated and distant from everyone and you seem to be in your own head most of the time...is it something I've done? Have I angered you?" His voice was filled with worry and I tried not to flinch as he spoke. _Something you've done? Hell, you're very presence is what's wrong...Was it really that noticeable?_

"Please, Captain...tell me what's wrong" I knew it was now or never; confess my attraction or walk away.

"The truth?" I looked over my shoulder and saw Eren eagerly nod his head, his eyes wide as he watched me. I looked straight into his eyes and took a deep breath.

"The truth is I like you...a lot. When you're around you infuriate me...and make me happy. I never thought I could be happy again, brat, but you can make me laugh. When I first met you I honestly had no idea that you would ever be as important to me as you are now...Look, I'm not expecting anything from you I just...I needed to tell you" I had turned my back on him again, too fearful of his possible expression to look at him. There was silence as he processed what I had just said and with every passing second, I felt my heart start to break. _He doesn't feel the same...I've ruined everything...He'll hate me..._ My hands balled into fists by my side and my breathing became rough. It felt as if someone had plunged their blade into my chest and all the while I had the same thought running through my head; _So, this is rejection._

"How...you like me?" Eren sounded disbelieving and slightly confused and something in his voice...he doubted me. He doubted my feelings, that I was telling the truth. I turned around fully and slowly began to walk towards him.

"Of course, I like you. You're smart, you're funny, you're cute, crazy and your perfect in your own imperfect way. You speak your mind and stand up for what you believe in and your one of the strongest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Of course, I like you – you're you" His mouth opened slightly in shock and I couldn't help it. I acted on impulse. I leaned forward and pushed myself up – very slightly- and pressed my lips against Eren's. _If he's going to hate me I might as well make the most of it_. My hands found the boy's waist and I pushed him gently back against the tree, bringing my lips to his again. I felt his shaking hands gently push on my shoulders and I instantly backed away. Eren's eyes were wide and he had brought a shaking hand to his lips – this was when I noticed the deep blush that dusted his cheeks.

"C-captain what if someone sees us?" I shrugged and gestured around us.

"No-one will come here now and if they do they wouldn't come this far in...though I don't care if someone sees. I'm not ashamed of my feelings for you, Eren" I raise my hand and gently brush my fingertips against Eren's blushing cheek.

"But I've heard of scouts who have been thrown out for that kind of thing..." He looked worried again and his voice had an edge of panic to it.

"I would never allow that to happen. Also, Erwin would never do that" Eren turned his eyes to the floor and seemed to be thinking something over. I began to grow anxious – time was slipping away from us and soon people would be noticing our absence. I needed to know how Eren felt.

"Eren I want to be with you, I want 'us'. Please don't hide your feelings away...talk to me" He slowly looked up at me and I felt my breath catch in my throat.

"I've never...ugh...I've never been with a guy before..." I felt any hope I had die at these words and tried not to show the disappointment I felt.

"If you don't want me then just say so and be done with it" I snapped at the brunette. Here I was handing Eren my heart and he just wouldn't...

I felt a pair of lips roughly crash onto mine and it took me a second of confusion to realise that _Eren_ was kissing _me_. I kept my hands at my side – too scared to touch him in case it ruined the moment, in case it changed his mind. I closed my eyes when Eren deepened the kiss and felt his hands reach up and cup my face. He gave my lower lip a gentle nip – which surprised me – and pulled away. His eyes glowed with emotion and I stood in awe as this utterly beautiful boy smiled down at me.

"How could I not want you?"


	5. Ackerman

"Ackerman!"

Mikasa turned her head and nodded slightly at the captain who had called her. She had never had a problem with her surname until she realised she shared it with Levi – since then she hated being addressed by her last name. Now, though, she didn't care much like everything in her life...she just didn't care anymore. The drive to kill titans and protect humanity was no longer there (all the titans had been destroyed) and now that Eren was dead...she felt alone. Not too long-ago Jean had finally asked to date her and she had agreed in the hopes that he would take away some of her pain, but they both came to realise all to soon that it only made things worse. In the back of her mind Mikasa would compare Jean to Eren and come to slowly hate him for not being the shifter and Jean would ultimately feel guilty as if he were betraying Marco. The pair had ended whatever it was they had started and would avoid each other at all costs. Levi had begun to notice how Mikasa would isolate herself and avoid any socialisation. He was beginning to worry about her.

"Captain". Her voice was void of emotion and Levi knew that she didn't want to be speaking to him if she could help it which, unfortunately, she couldn't.

"How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I'm feeling?" Levi had no idea how she was feeling. He knew Mikasa had loved Eren, more than adoptive siblings, but he also knew that Eren didn't return her love. Levi knew how  _he_ felt right now but at least he knew Eren loved him...what did Mikasa know?

"Listen, kid, you can't keep this up. You think Eren would want you behaving this way?" Something flashed for a second in her eyes. The mention of Eren's name brought a spark of her former self back but it was gone as quick as it came.

"It doesn't matter, Captain. Eren's not here". Her monotone voice sent a chill through Levi and he watched with a weary gaze as she walked away from him – her eyes shedding tears down her emotionless face.

* * *

 

She pulled the scarf tighter around herself and buried her face into the worn, slightly torn material. She knew she couldn't carry on this way – that she was hurting the people that cared for her by behaving the way she was. But the thing was...she couldn't help it. She couldn't just carry on as if Eren never existed because to Mikasa Eren was her world. Ever since that day years ago when he rescued her from those men she knew that they were special; they talked and laughed around each other differently to everybody else. She trusted Eren more than anyone else in the world – even when he was in his Titan form and she knew, deep down, that she would never meet anyone like Eren again. He was her best friend and she had lost so much already...

"Why...why did it have to be you..." Tears streamed down Mikasa's face as her whole body shook with the cries she had been holding in all day. She hated the fact that she loved Eren and she hated it even more when she realised that Eren had chosen Levi over her. But even though he broke her heart...she could never hate him. She could, however, hate the captain – and she would hate him until her dying breath. Mikasa, and the rest of the team, hadn't known that Eren would die and when Levi returned without Eren...there had been chaos. Mikasa supposed she still lived in that chaos.

Mikasa fell backwards onto the bed and rolled onto her side, curling her body up and hugging her knees to her chest. She would never let anyone see herself in this fragile state – where her friends were concerned she had to stay strong...be the leader.

"One day. One day I'll see you again, Eren, and I'm going to kick your ass for leaving me here alone" She muttered into the scarf. She did that, occasionally; talk to Eren. It comforted her in some way and made her feel grounded. Of course, she knew Eren wouldn't talk back. A sharp knock on her door made her flinch and she froze in place hoping that whoever it was would go away.

"Ackerman? I know you're in there" Her eyes narrowed and she gripped her knees tighter.  _Fucking Levi_. Mikasa said nothing and Levi banged on the door even louder. When she still ignored him, he gave a small sigh and rested his fist against the door frame.

"Mikasa. Please open the door. We need to talk" Mikasa felt her temper flare.

"I have  _nothing_  to say to you" She growled out. Levi wasn't surprised at her tone – she made no effort to hide her hatred for the man – and rolled his eyes.

"I know you're hurting, I am too. There's something of Eren's I want to show you...maybe it could bring you some comfort" Levi looked down at the journal he was holding. In truth, he didn't want to show Mikasa the journal. He wanted to keep this part of Eren to himself and cherish it...but no matter how harsh Mikasa was to him, he couldn't bring himself to be selfish. He heard movement from the other side of the door and braced himself for the wave of anger and spite that would no doubt crash down on him when the door was opened. You can understand his slight alarm, however, when the door opened to reveal a red-eyed, broken looking girl in a red scarf.

"How dare you come here, isn't it enough that you took him away from me? We barely even saw him after you got your claws into him and now you come to my door saying you can comfort me?" Mikasa shook her head in disgust.

"You knew I loved Eren and you still kept it from me. I could have said goodbye and you took that away from me. Do you know how much that hurts? I bet you had plenty of time to say goodbye and tell him how much you loved him...I didn't even get to tell him I'm sorry..." Her voice shook and Levi was worried that she might collapse. She stood her ground, however, and raised her hate-filled eyes to the captain's.

"You didn't deserve Eren. He was beautiful and strong and you...you're just a disgusting little creature who preys on younger men" Levi almost jolted at the words. He had thought them before – the age difference between him and Eren had always played on his mind – but hearing them come from someone else...it hurt. It hurt a lot. Mikasa was still talking, still spewing vile words and insults at her superior, but Levi didn't hear it. He ignored her cruel words and ran his thumb over the journal that Mikasa had yet to notice.  _Fuck this_. Levi turned and walked away from Mikasa – who now glared at his retreating form. He had tried to be kind and show her the journal that would show a small part of Eren that nobody had seen...but she had been vile and no amount of pain could excuse her for that.

Mikasa watched the captain walk away and slammed the door shut, throwing herself back onto the bed. She buried her face into the pillow and closed her eyes. She didn't care about the captain, she didn't care about her 'friends' or her job...she just wanted to sleep...


	6. No Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

"What do you think you're doing?" Eren gave me a cheeky grin and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm escaping, clearly. I thought I'd let you know, captain" I narrowed my eyes at how bold Eren had grown around me in the last few weeks. Since we'd started 'dating' his whole attitude had changed; gone was the nervous, puppy-like kid that would follow me around...now he was a confident, cheeky brat that would still follow me around.

"Watch it, brat" I saw his grin falter for a moment, but a small smirk from me made him see that I wasn't mad at him. He shifted his weight and gave me an awkward chuckle.

"So... are you gonna let me in?" I rolled my eyes and stepped to the side allowing Eren to climb in through my window and land next to me on the floor. The wires retracted from the sides of the castle back into his belt and with a final 'click' Eren turned to face me.

"Did you really put your gear back on just to scale the castle?" Eren shook his head and laughed.

"No, of course not" The next thing I knew he had me backed up against the wall with a hand on my waist and the other beside my head. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his breath against my ear as he leant down to whisper to me.

"I put my gear on  _and_  scaled the castle so I could see my boyfriend" I felt myself blush at the word 'boyfriend' and hoped Eren didn't notice - that was the last thing I needed.

"Eren you were with me a few hours ago" It was his turn to roll his eyes and pulled away from me.

"Yeah but I missed you...did you not want me here?" His eyes suddenly grew wide and he pushed his lower lip out making a very effective puppy-dog face.  _Don't fall for it, Levi, don't fall for it..._

"Of course, I want you here"  _Goddammit_. I should have told Eren to go back to his own room [which was given to him last week] and to stop sneaking around the castle. But I didn't. Instead I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, pulling him closer. The hand on my waist gripped me tighter for a moment before moving lower until it rested on my hip. I gave Eren a playful nip and earned a surprised gasp from the teenager who, in return, deepened the kiss. It didn't take long for me to react to the kiss and from the way Eren was trying to subtly grind against me I could tell he felt the same. I had to keep reminding myself that he was still a kid, that he hadn't been with a guy before, but when his hand wandered lower and lower and began to palm me through my trousers I began to feel my resolve fade away.

I felt his lips move from my own and I gasped for air as he left a trail of kisses along my jaw to my neck where he began nibbling and sucking against the soft skin. He then suddenly bit down, harshly, and I couldn't hold in the low moan that escaped my lips. Eren paused for just a second and I swear I felt him smirk against my neck before licking the spot he had bitten and then biting down again. He continued this action all along my neck until I was a panting, moaning mess. My hands gripped onto his shirt as he continued to attack the sore area of skin.

"E-eren...Eren stop..." He did, immediately. As soon as I said the words he pulled away from me but didn't step back. His eyes were suddenly full of concern as he stood, panting, over me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I gave a weak chuckle and shook my head 'no'. Eren frowned.

"Then what's wrong? Do you not want me to do this?" I reached up and cupped Eren's face in my hand.

"You have no idea how much I want this, Eren. It's just...look I just don't want you to regret anything" Eren cocked his head to the side.

"Regrets?"

"Yes, regrets. You're young and you told me you've never been with a man before...I don't want to ruin whatever we have by rushing into things and scaring you away" My body protested against my words and my mind was telling me how much of an idiot I was for saying what I did – but my heart told me that I was right in what I said, that we shouldn't be rushing into this. Eren placed his hand over my own and leant into my touch.

"I won't regret anything we do, I was this too...But if you want to go slow then I'm fine with that" I could see it took a lot for him to say that, especially in the state he was in. The opportunity was there; do the right thing and send Eren away...I would have done it too, if it weren't for the look he was giving me. A mixture of worry, pleading and...lust.  _I want this too_  – that made it okay, didn't it? Why wait for something that we both want?

I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough to resist him. I said nothing as I roughly pushed Eren backwards onto the bed and heard a startled 'Levi!' spring from his lips.

"If it gets too much tell me and I'll stop" Eren's eyes widened in understanding and he was quick to nod his head in agreement. My body moved on its own as I crawled up the bed to Eren,  _my_  Eren, and for one night in my miserable existence I forgot about the titans, about everyone I had lost because all I could think about was  _him_.

* * *

 

"Are you alright?" Eren grunted into my chest and lazily draped a hand over my mouth.

"Shhh...no talk...sleep" I pushed the hand away from me and snorted.

"How romantic, Eren" He opened one eye and stared at me for a moment before leaning up on his elbows, wincing, and giving me a gentle kiss. I pulled him back down onto my chest and sighed, my hand automatically reaching up to play with his hair.

"I'm sorry..." I kissed the top of his head and held him tighter.

"Are you going to apologise every time you fuck me?" I lightly smacked his ass and felt satisfied with the small whine that followed.

"Language, Jaeger"

"Sorry, captain" Eren moved and placed a few kisses onto my neck causing me to let out a low growl.

"If you kiss my neck I'm not responsible for what happens next" I warned. Eren paused, clearly thinking about whether the extra pain would be worth it, and then retreated to his safe spot beside me. We stayed like that, resting in peaceful silence, for a while and was surprised when Eren next spoke – I thought he had fallen asleep.

"Levi...why did you confess to me when you did?" I frowned and looked up at the ceiling. Why  _did_  I tell him?  _Because you couldn't carry on without him_.

"I guess I just needed to know if you felt the same...it gets to you after a while"

"Weren't you scared of me rejecting you, though?"  _Terrified_.

"It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life" I heard Eren chuckle.

"How...poetic" I gave Eren's ear a playful bite and rolled my eyes.

"Whatever, brat. You asked" We fell into the same comfortable silence again and I felt my eyes slowly drift close – on the very edge of sleep – when I was dragged back to the world of the living.

"Hey Levi?" I tried to supress the groan at his curious tone and ran a hand over my face.

"Yes, Eren?" He gave my chest a kiss and looked up at me, his face apologetic yet his eyes were still full of curiosity.

"What do you like? Sex-wise I mean" I blinked a few times as I processed the question.

"What?"

"I was just wondering...I mean I want to be good for you too..." I let out a long sigh.

"Eren you don't need to worry about that" Was he feeling self-conscious?  _He shouldn't be_.

"Never mind...goodnight Levi" Eren rolled onto his side, away from me, and buried his face into the pillow visibly upset. I almost laughed at the childish behaviour but reined it in – I'd upset Eren and that didn't sit well with me. I thought for a moment before wrapping an arm around Eren's waist and pulling him backwards so his back was against my chest. I felt him try to pull away and leaned over so my lips were by his ear.

"We'll have so much fun figuring out what we  _both_  like in the bedroom, Eren, but for now...I like words. Naughty, perverted and fucking  _dirty_  words" I noticed Eren bite his lip and allowed myself a smug grin.

"Goodnight, Eren"


	7. Confrontation

"How are you feeling, Levi?" The captain shrugged his shoulders and leant back in his chair. He was used to people asking him this question – 'how are you feeling?'. Of course, he knew the right response to give by now too; lie and tell everyone you're okay. But Levi had learned a long time ago that lying to Erwin wasn't ever a good idea so he simply kept quiet and watched the older man as he read through scattered documents on his desk. Erwin glanced up at Levi and saw how Levi had tensed up, how he avoided looking at Erwin. The blonde knew his friend wasn't handling his loss well and he knew that this was affecting the scouts' behaviour so he had called Levi to his office.

"You can talk to me you know" Erwin pushed the papers aside and leaned forward on his elbows, his chin resting on his hands.

"Jaeger died – that doesn't mean you have to die too" Levi sighed and turned his grey eyes to Erwin.

"He didn't just  _die,_  though did he? What are you talking about, old man, I'm still here" Erwin took a deep breath, ignoring the insult, and tried to give Levi a friendly smile.

"You may be here physically, Levi, but it's almost as if your life ended when the boys did" Erwin never bothered to tiptoe around subject with Levi – he knew the captain could handle his blunt way of speaking.

"That 'boy' was my entire fucking world...what? Do you expect me to act like he never existed?" Erwin felt his hands clench to fists beneath the desk and had to remind himself that this was his friend; a friend that had lost many people over the years.  _Maybe Eren just pushed him over the edge..._

"I'm aware of what Jaeger meant to you" Levi spotted a familiar emotion flash in Erwin's eyes, just for a second, and let out a harsh laugh.

"Jealousy looks terrible on you, Erwin, yet you continue to wear it after all these years" Erwin, in turn, rolled his eyes.

"Jealousy is nothing more than a lack of self-confidence. Don't think so highly of yourself" It was true that at one time in his life Erwin had noticed  _developments_  in the way he saw Levi. The kid had potential; he was fast, he was smart and he was – above all else – beautiful. He was quick to ignore the feelings that sprang forth whenever the young man appeared but eventually he couldn't hold himself back. He had kissed Levi and expected his feelings to be returned only to receive a sharp slap to the face and a terrified kid. Levi didn't feel the same – how could he? This was the man that caused the deaths of his family – but after talking things through with his superior Levi started to pity him. He felt guilty for causing these feelings and left Erwin with a promise that he would try to come around – he would try and care for Erwin. Erwin had waited for a long time, always hoping that Levi would walk through the door and tell him what he had been hoping to hear...but that day never came. Months turned to years but still Erwin had waited patiently. Levi had begun to hate him less as time moved on and had begun to relax more around his superior – Erwin felt hopeful again...that was, until  _he_  showed up.

A skinny, short-tempered child with a guilt complex and the ability to transform into a monster...Erwin never stood a chance. He could see it in Levi's eyes long before the man himself even knew what he was feeling – he could see that he had lost any ground he had gained over the years. Levi's heart would never be his. Not while Jaeger was around...Yes. Erwin was always jealous of Eren...but Eren wasn't around anymore.

"Tch. What did you want?" Levi didn't want to be sat in front of Erwin. He wanted to be in his room with a bottle of whiskey reading Eren's journal until he fell asleep.

"What I want is for you to cut it with the self-pity crap" Levi raised an eyebrow and stared at Erwin.  _Didn't I say something like this to Mikasa?_  Levi shook his head and stood.

"I don't have time for this" Before he could turn Erwin had moved around the desk and grabbed Levi's arm, forcibly pulling him back to face him.

"Don't have time? The titans are gone, Levi, we have all the time in the world!" Levi was suddenly reminded of that night, so long ago, when Erwin had forced himself on him. Though Levi was older now and Erwin older still. His body reacted automatically and in seconds he had Erwin against the wall held in place with a hand gripping his throat.

"Let me rephrase; I don't want to be here with you. I have better things to be doing with my infinite time than to be sat with you in your office discussing pointless crap" Erwin shoved Levi away and Levi allowed him to. He may be angry but this was still his superior, someone who had the power to remove Levi's position if he wanted. The blonde held back from rubbing against his throat and instead glared at the shorter male.

"I'll pretend that never happened...sort your shit out, Levi. I won't put up with this behaviour much longer"

"I've lost the one person I've ever truly loved...you and your men have lost a skilled soldier who had amazing potential and saved humanity...how can you be so heartless over his murder?" Erwin understood Levi's anger – he wasn't as heartless as he seemed – but in truth he just  _didn't care_.

"Jaeger was another casualty of the job, nothing more" Levi felt the anger build up in him again – he wanted to hurt Erwin. But he knew that Erwin would heal any physical pain that Levi gave him...no...Levi knew what to do. It was petty and childish but he knew what to do to really hurt Erwin like he was hurting Levi.

"I can't believe I almost..." Levi muttered causing Erwin to take a step closer.

"Almost what?" Levi raised his eyes and didn't once look away from Erwin as he spoke.

"Almost entertained the idea of being with you. I used to think that it might not be that bad, that I might actually enjoy having you as a partner...but then Eren came and you changed. You became reckless on missions and stopped caring about the lives of your men...you became bitter with jealousy, didn't you? But that night when you found me in my room...you knew about Eren and you still..." Levi felt his stomach turn and did his best to push the memory of that night away.

"...that was the night I realised that you're not that fucking great. You're the same as every other asshole out there" Erwin felt his heart break at the words but did nothing to defend himself. Levi was right, of course, and that's what pissed Erwin off most.

"I..."

"Save it" Levi sighed and ran a hand through his hair – an action that Eren would do when nervous.  _Eren_...Levi needed to leave. He felt his energy drain during his little speech and he felt exhausted – he just wanted to read the damn journal in peace. He tried to turn away, to leave, and was once again stopped; this time, however, Erwin had taken a hold of Levi's hand.

"Levi, please. I'm telling you this as your friend...please let him go" Levi gave Erwin a sad smile and shook his head.

"You know I can't do that" Erwin gave Levi's hand a slight squeeze.

"Let me help. Let me show you that you can be happy again...I  _know_  you can be happy with me, Levi. Just give me the chance" Erwin was clutching at straws and they both knew it. This was his one chance...

"Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter...Eren was my world...without him I'm nothing" Erwin's heart finally broke, completely, at the clear rejection and he did nothing to stop Levi as the man's hand slipped from his own.

He watched, tears slowly falling down his face, as Levi – the man he had loved for many, many years – walked out of his office for the last time.


	8. Breakdown [Part 1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

"Why are you being like this?"

Eren's voice was strained, his eyes wide and pleading. I shrugged his hand from my shoulder and walked in the direction of his bedroom with the intent of gathering my belongings and storming off. I could hear Eren running along behind me, calling for me to wait for him, but I ignored it. I didn't have time to play around anymore – I was  _done_. I turned a corner and spotted a pair of new recruits walking towards me. After barking out the order for them to move they quickly pressed themselves against the walls and muttered a terrified 'sorry captain' before fleeing and making their escape.  _Pathetic_. I came to Eren's door and went inside ignoring the teenager that was trying to get my attention. As soon as I stepped inside Eren shoved past me and ran straight for his bed, picking up what looked to be a small book and placing it behind his pillow.  _What the hell? A diary? He really is just a kid..._ I tried not to think about it – that wasn't the reason I was there. I looked around the room and quickly spotted the few clothes I had left here from previous nights and moved to retrieve them. Eren, sensing what I was going to do, sprang forward and snatched the clothes from under my hand and clutched them to his chest. I glared at the brunette and held out my hand.

"Give me my clothes, brat" Eren shook his head and took a step backwards while biting his lip. Normally I would have found that provocative but right now it was simply annoying. I issued the command again and once again Eren shook his head.

"No! Not until you tell me what this is about. What have I done to deserve this?" Something within me was screaming at me to stop – to just sit down and take a deep breath...I told that something to fuck off.

"What have you done? You're seriously asking me that?" Eren's expression became confused and his brows furrowed as he tried to think back on the last few days. While he was distracted I took my opportunity and pulled my clothes from his hands and made to walk past him. My plan failed, however, when his hands shot out and grabbed onto my shoulders effectively stopping me from moving.

"Levi please! Tell me what I've done and I'll fix it!" His voice rose higher as he spoke, panicked, and his eyes searched my face. Could he see how serious I was? Did he know I was fully prepared to leave?

"Fix it..." I scoffed.  _He can't fix it..._

"Please..." I looked into his eyes, those beautiful – distracting – eyes, and quickly looked away.

"You...you kissed her" My voice was low and level and I put all my anger into those words to help him understand just how much this was hurting me. Eren shook his head and gripped my shoulders tighter.

"Who? Who am I supposed to have kissed?" I slapped his hands away and stepped backwards – thankful that I didn't trip over anything.

"Don't act dumb! Mikasa! You kissed Mikasa!" Eren stared into my eyes and said nothing. For a moment, I thought he hadn't heard me and was prepared to repeat when he burst into laughter. I was stunned – he found this funny? I watched in disgust as Eren covered his mouth with his hand and waved the other in front of him.

"I'm...haha...I'm sorry...this is all because of...oh wait, you're serious?" He calmed himself down when I nodded.

"I'm glad you find this amusing. You two can go laugh it up together" Eren stopped laughing completely, the smile disappearing from his face.

"It was just a kiss on the cheek, Levi, she's like a sister to me...you're really getting jealous over this?" I growled at the way he so casually spoke.

"I'm not jealous, I'm territorial. Jealousy is wanting what's not yours – I'm trying to protect what's mine" I could see Eren trying not to roll his eyes which infuriated me more.

"I'll keep that in mine...Levi she's just a friend you  _know_  I didn't mean anything by it" I studied his face and saw the honesty in it.  _Does he not know? No-one can be that blind..._

"You really can't see it?"

"See what?"

"The way she looks at you...it isn't the same way she looks at other guys" Eren processed the information and shook his head, the frown returning to his face.

"Mikasa isn't like that" He sounded so sure of himself – I so badly wanted to tear that confidence down.

"Oh, she's not? Think Eren. She protects you, above all else, and practically begs for your attention"

"She does not. She protects Armin too!"  _Oh, so you want to argue back?_

"You know as well as I do that she doesn't treat Arlert the same way she treats you. She was top of her class and yet she followed you into the survey corps..."

"She came because she wanted to fight! She wanted to protect humanity like the rest of us!"

"She joined because her beloved Eren was set on joining. She's glued to your side whenever possible, Eren! Have you ever seen her show interest in anyone else? A boyfriend? Girlfriend? Anything?!" By now I was shouting and Eren's confused frown had turned into a full-on glare.

"Maybe she's like Hanji" I gave a short bark of a laugh and pushed Eren to the side, causing him to lose his balance and fall onto the bed.

"Or maybe she's in love with you and your too naïve to understand it" I looked down at my boyfriend and felt my heart sink; he really didn't see how this upset me, did he?

"Levi please...I'm sorry, okay? I won't do it again! She's just a friend, Levi, please can we just forget about this?" I felt tears begin to build up at Eren's pleas and lowered my head, my fringe falling and shielding my eyes.

"I want to believe you kid..." Eren knelt on the edge of the bed and reached towards me.

"Then, why don't you?" I raised my head, slowly, letting Eren see the tears steadily falling from my eyes.

"Because we started off as 'just friends' too" And suddenly it became too much. I could see the images fly before my eyes; Eren and Mikasa falling in love, Eren leaving me for  _her_. I couldn't take it. I couldn't be in the same room as him. I ran.

* * *

 

It had been two days and I had been avoiding Eren like the plague. It felt sickening to be away from him but I knew that it was better this way – isolate myself now and save the pain that would come later. Of course, Hanji didn't agree with me.

"I can't believe you did that...you're an idiot" I stuck my finger up to her and took a sip of my tea.

"I don't expect  _you_  to understand" Hanji sat down opposite me and I lowered the cup – she had her serious face on and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit afraid.

"You listen to me, Ackerman, and you listen good. You need to go find that 'brat' of yours and tell him you're sorry, that you overreacted, and that you love him because if you don't you're going to lose him. For good. You think it hurts now? You keep ignoring him and one day he's going to let you go too and he's going to realise that there are other people, besides you, that love him" My heart raced and my hands shook at her words and the familiar nausea began to grow inside of me.

"Hanji..."

"No. I'm talking – you're going to listen" I kept my mouth shut, her tone telling me that whatever she had to say would be heard no matter what.

"One day you're going to see him holding hands with someone else, someone who took your happiness. He won't even notice you watching because he'll be too busy laughing at his own stupid jokes, and it'll tear your heart up to see that amazing smile on his face and know you're not the reason anymore, that he's smiling for someone else. It'll hit you, Levi, it'll hit you hard that Eren was  _the one_. It'll always be  _him_." I was left speechless. Hanji kept her face void of emotion as she took the teacup from my hand and took a small sip before placing it on her side of the table.

"You got pissed off, I understand that...does Eren? Did you tell him why you were upset or did you just shout at him and storm off?" I rubbed the back of my neck and avoided her eyes.  _How does she_ know  _everything all the time...?_

"I thought so" I sighed in annoyance and leaned back in my chair.

"It doesn't change a thing, though. She's going to love him no matter what I do...damnit I'm sick of feeling like this!" I slammed my hands onto the table and rested my forehead against my palm. I was starting to get a headache.

"Levi..." She paused for a second, choosing her words.

"Do you think Eren's perfect?" I looked up at her, my head not moving, and curled my lip.

"Perfect? No, he's not perfect he's flawed and barely even human..." I bit my lip and thought of Eren and my voice lowered to an almost whisper.

"...but he's perfect to  _me_ " Hanji smiled at me.

"Do you think you may have overreacted? Perhaps you were jealous of Mikasa?" Eren's previous words rang through my mind and I was about to correct Hanji when I stopped myself.  _Why lie, she likely knows the truth anyway_.

"Jealous...of course I'm jealous. I'm jealous every time they're together, every time she hugs him..."

"Why?" The words began to flow from my mouth and I didn't care, it was like I needed to say them.

"Because for those few seconds she's holding my entire world in her arms and I just can't handle it, Hanji. I can't stomach the fact that she's known Eren for as long as she has and that she's been there for him long before I even knew he existed, I..." I swallowed my words and sniffled, rubbing at my eyes to try and stop the tears from escaping. I felt Hanji reach over and grab my hand, pulling it down to the table and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

"Talk to me, Levi" I nodded and let out a shaky breath while squeezing her hand back.

"I know that he could love her and that's what fucks me up the most; the fact that deep down I know that at some point in his life he  _has_  to have at least  _thought_  about it. And I get it, you know? I understand. She's attractive, she's  _taller_ , she's around his age...he wouldn't choose me...of course he'd choose her...I can't blame him, not completely; I wouldn't choose me either" The tears were free and I couldn't stop them. I hid my face in my arms and felt my body shake with the force of my sobs. A small creak, the sound of footfalls, and Hanji was beside me – her arms pulling me towards her. I buried my face into her shoulder no longer caring how weak I looked – I just needed a hug.  _No...no I need_ your _hug..._ Hanji rubbed soothing circles into my back and waited patiently as I released days of anguish on her shoulder. When I was done she wiped the left-over tears from my cheeks and stood up.

"Okay! Enough of this. Go find that toy boy of yours and tell him how much of an idiot you were!" She gave me a thumbs up and I felt myself smirk in response.

"Watch it, Zoe" There was no malice behind my words and she knew it was playful. Hanji pulled me to my feet and patted my shoulder before physically pushing me out of the room and slamming the door behind me.  _Rude_.

Okay now to find Eren...and hope he accepts my apology.  _Please don't let me be too late..._

I did a round of the castle and came up empty – panic began to set in.  _Where was he? Was he avoiding me too? Was he with her?_  I pushed the thoughts aside as best I could and decided to go back to my room – maybe he was looking for me too?

When I reached my room, I felt my heart beat increase, hopeful, when I heard movement from inside. I stood in front of my door and ran a hand through my hair completely unsure as to what I would say.  _Fuck it_. I braced myself and opened my door, nervous smile on my face, only to have it replaced with a look of confusion.

"Erwin?"


	9. Battlefield [Part 2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

“Erwin?” The taller man spun around with a look of pure guilt on his face. His mouth hung slightly open and his blue eyes were wide as he looked me over and assessed the situation.

“Levi” An embarrassed smile graced his features as I slowly closed the door behind myself and stepped deeper into the room. My eyes shot around the room and, thankfully, I saw nothing out of place - though this didn't calm me much. My eyes landed back to Erwin and I forced a somewhat friendly smile onto my face.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you” His response was quick, too quick, and I instantly doubted his words.

“In my bedroom?” Erwin’s cheeks tinted pink and his shoulders lifted in a shrug.

“You weren't with the rest of the squad so I assumed you were in your room, resting. I promise I haven't been here long” I doubted that. Very much. But I wasn't in the mood to argue the subject and especially not with Erwin.

“Did you need me for something? Because I'm actually in the middle of something…”  _Yeah, in the middle of saving what's left of my relationship._  Erwin nodded.

“There's a matter I wanted to discuss with you - I think it's rather important” My teeth dug into the insides of my cheek as he spoke. The tone he was using...I didn't like it.

“Can we discuss it some other time? As I said, I'm busy” Erwin’s left eye twitched but he kept the smile on his face. It appears he didn't like being pushed aside.

“It’s been years, Levi, I would prefer us to discuss it now” My stomach lurched and I felt my eyes widen at his words.  _He can't be serious._ But looking at the expression Erwin held I knew he was completely serious.

“Erwin...now's not the time” Erwin exhaled through his nose and his lips, that were upturned in a smile, were now pressed into a thin line.

“When  _is_  the right time? What could  _possibly_  be so important?”

“Hanji can't find Jaeger - she needs to do her daily testing and the beats gone AWOL” Erwin raised one ridiculously thick eyebrow and scoffed.

“And that means  _you_  have to search for him?”

“ _I'm_  the one in charge of him so yes,  _I_  have to look for him when he goes missing” Okay, so I was lying about Eren being missing but if he did ever go missing I would be the one in charge of finding him...and I'd also be the one taking responsibility if we couldn't find him.

“Then I'll help you and we can talk on the way” Erwin moved past me and placed a hand on the door giving me an expectant look. I tried hard not to growl in frustration.

“I need a shower first” I was clutching at straws for an excuse to get Erwin to leave and, unfortunately, this excuse meant nothing to him.

“Even better; I'll talk you shower. Nothing I haven't seen before” The bastard was cocky enough to wink at me after saying this and I saw his eyes quickly run over my smaller frame. My skin crawled at his words, at what he implied, as I knew for a fact that the only time he ever saw me naked was when we were forced to use the communal showers. I made a noise of disgust in the back of my throat and could no longer hide the scowl that had been itching to break free.

“I don't think my  _boyfriend_  would appreciate that” I spat, putting as much emphasis on the word 'boyfriend’ as I could. There was a second or two of silence before Erwin said in a very calm, low voice;

“Boyfriend?”

“That's what I said”

“And who would that be?” His voice sounded completely disbelieving of my words and I felt my eyes narrow in annoyance.

“Eren” I could see the name running through his mind; he was listing all the Erens he knew who I could be dating…it was a very short list.

“Eren...Jaeger?” I nodded and, almost instantly, a booming laugh echoed throughout the room. I stared, shocked, as Erwin doubled over - hand on stomach - and laughed until tears came to his eyes.

“Oh, Levi, that's hilarious! You know you don't have to make up these stories just to avoid this discussion” Anger bubbled inside of me - he didn't believe me!

“I think you should leave now” His laughter faded and his eyes darkened as he realised I was serious.

“You can stop pretending. I know you wouldn't date anyone else without at least telling me about it first” He took a step towards me and instinct was screaming at me to step back, away from the taller male. Anyone could see he was, at the very least, pissed off and for the first time in a long while I actually  _feared_  my friend. Don't talk about Eren, change tactics!

“Erwin...you know you're one of the few friends I have - but that's all I'll ever see you as. I don't feel for you the way you want me to…” I was silenced as Erwin raised his hand out and bit my lip to stop from carrying on.

“Levi it's been, what, three? Four years?” I reluctantly nodded, not seeing where he was going with this. Honestly I hadn't noticed the years go by - it could've been a lot longer for all I knew.

“It's been so long since I last kissed you, Levi...how can you say you still don't feel for me? Perhaps I should...refresh your memory?” My mind latched onto his words a second too late, but a second was all he needed. Before I could protest the action Erwin had pulled me to him and gripped firmly onto my hip whilst the other hand held my chin tilted upwards. He wasted no time in aggressively crashing his lips onto mine and he took advantage of my surprised gasp by slipping his tongue into my mouth. I couldn't help but gag as his tongue explored my mouth thoroughly and tried to bite down on the muscle as hard as I could. Erwin grunted and removed himself from my mouth long enough for me to catch my breath.

“So that's how you want to play?” I managed a startled 'huh?’ before I was roughly pushed backwards against the wall. A sharp pain ran up my spine from the contact and I raised a hand to strike my  _friend_.  _Fuck our friendship this asshole has gone too far._  Unfortunately, he saw my movement and scooped both of my hands into his and held them above me against the wall. His body pressed against mine, keeping me in place, and his forehead rested against mine.

“I know you feel something for me” He murmured.

“I feel disgusted is what I feel! I told you - I'm with Eren!” The grip on my hands tightened and I winced in pain as Erwin curled his lip.

“And I told you to stop lying. You can't avoid this anymore” His lips were on mine once more and I knew he was pouring all his frustration into that one, long kiss. I could feel the emotions, that had been building up all this time, finally break free and for one terrifying moment  _I accepted it_. I  _allowed_  Erwin to kiss me without fighting back. I relaxed my muscles and cautiously moved my lips in sync with his all the while thinking to myself;  _would this be so bad? Eren had kissed Mikasa...this would, technically, make us even..._  
 _But_  almost as soon as the thought came it was shoved from my mind. I knew, logically, that this was different from what Eren had done. Eren's innocent peck on the cheek was nothing compared to what Erwin was doing to me...what I was letting him do to me.  _No...I don't want this...have to stop...Eren…_

But I had taken too long.

Erwin had taken those few seconds of reaction as pure acceptance and let out a deep moan. A hand slipped free from mine and ran down my body, feeling every inch of me, until it settled between my legs. The action caused me to yelp and squirm in an attempt to get away from the unwanted attention, but this only made him more eager. He began to grope me through my clothes and I soon felt the proof of just how much he was enjoying this scenario press against me. Bile rose in my throat as Erwin continued and I was scared,  _really scared_ , because I knew that I couldn't physically overpower the man.

When I realised this my brain gave up, my mind going blank. My body went slack and I didn't respond - I didn't fight back, I didn't accept his advances I just...gave up.

I knew what was going to happen which is why I wasn't surprised when I felt myself being lifted and placed on my back onto the bed. I kept my face emotionless as Erwin trailed kisses along my jaw muttering my name over and over as if enticing me to respond.  _You sick fuck I don't want this_. I could feel him pressing himself against me, trying to hold back from grinding against me. When he began to unbutton my trousers was when I felt blood run cold. It hit me; this was happening. He wasn't going to stop...he was going to continue until he felt satisfied that he had me...even if it was just this one time.

_Eren I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…_

Erwin’s hand held mine above me as his fingers toyed with the hem of my boxers, his lips at my ear, when the door was slowly pushed open.

Both our heads snapped to the side and I almost cried.

Eren stood with a look of horror on his face staring straight at me. His mouth hung open and I saw tears fill his eyes before he blinked and looked away, clearing his throat.

“Sorry to disturb you, I can see your  _very busy_ ” I felt my soul tear away from my body as Eren turned and hurried from the room leaving the door open. Suddenly I found the strength to push Erwin away from me and stand...or perhaps it was because Erwin was surprised and caught off guard that I managed to get away. I didn't look back at the bastard as I re-buttoned my trousers and went to follow Eren - calling after him, my voice full of panic.

As I ran from my bedroom I heard Erwin speak, though I think it was mainly to himself.

“You...you were telling the truth?”

* * *

 

I had lost Eren in the maze that was the castle and refused to return to my room. I ended up spending the nights with Hanji (who was smart enough not to question me...yet).

After a few days of trying to talk with Eren I realised, with the gut wrenching feeling, that he was avoiding me and it became very clear by the way he would leave the room whenever I entered. If I addressed him he would speak formally, as if he were any ordinary scout replying to his captain. I didn't dare bring up that night...I still couldn't stomach the fact that I was going to just lie there and let him…I covered my mouth with a hand a leaned against a wall, my body shaking with the force of keeping the vomit down. This was a regular occurrence now; when I think back to what happened my body instantly reacts by making me sick. I hadn't told anyone about it, not even Hanji, and - thankfully - Erwin had left the next day...something about a meeting. I was glad he was gone. I couldn't face seeing him again. 

* * *

 

A week had passed and I had come to accept that Eren needed space. I would let him calm down and then talk it a over with him and apologize for being such an asshole.

I had been walking towards the stables, seeking company, when I heard a very feminine giggle come from up ahead. I looked up and froze. Mikasa was blushing, with a hand trying to hide her giggling, and the other clinging onto Eren’s arm. Eren, though, had his arm wrapped around the girl's shoulders and was laughing along with his 'sister’. That smile…Hanji’s words echoed around me - her forewarning taunting me.

**_One day you're gonna see him holding hands with someone else_ **

I looked at her hand holding onto his shirt, his arm around her.

**_He won't even notice you watching_ **

**_He'll be too busy laughing at his own joke_ **

They were both laughing and ignoring the world around them - lost in their own blissful world.

**_See that amazing smile on his face_ **

**_You're not the reason anymore_ **

Mikasa said something to Eren which made him grin down at her and my heart screamed because that was  _my_  smile!

**_Eren was the one_ **

No. Eren  _is_  the one. I raised my head higher in a show of composure and walked closer to the pair. Mikasa was the first to notice me and forced a polite smile onto her face. Eren, upon noticing me, however, wiped the smile from his face and replaced it with a glare. I gulped.

“Eren we need to talk”

“What about, captain?”

“I think you know”

“No. I don't think I do” He was being awkward and childish and I couldn't be mad at him because, let's face it, he had every right to act this way. I had been a complete ass and practically broke up with him for the kid to find me in bed with another guy not long after...at least, that's what I'm guessing he saw.

“Can I speak to you? Alone?”

“Here is fine”

“Eren, please. We need to talk...I need to explain” I begged him with my eyes to understand, to see how sorry I was that any of this ever happened. Mikasa raised her eyebrows at the pleading tone of my voice but said nothing - opting to see how Eren responded.

“Unless Hanji needs more samples or we have another expedition coming up we don't need to talk at all and quite frankly,  _sir_ , I don't want to hear anything that comes out of your mouth” Mikasa seemed completely surprised by Eren’s harsh tone but of course I had been expecting it. That didn't mean it hurt any less.

“Eren…” The brunette shook his head and walked past me, pulling Mikasa along with him.

“C’mon, Mika, you wanted to  _workout_  with me, right?” Mikasa nodded enthusiastically and I stopped breathing. I knew,  _I knew_ ,  that he was talking about working out in the gym with the other recruits...but the tone of his voice and the way he emphasized that one word…

“Jaeger!” Eren looked over his shoulder at me and I swore I saw a smug smirk on his face.

“Captain?” I felt my hands shake at the lack of emotion in his voice.  _Did he really not care anymore?_

“Is this supposed to be revenge?” I cried, not caring who heard me.

“Revenge? Whatever for?” I furrowed my brow as pain filled my body.

“You know what for! Do you want me to say it? I was out of line! I shouldn't of reacted the way I did...but you have to believe me! You don't know the full story...please let me explain!” Eren looked at Mikasa and then at me. He removed his arm from around the girl and took two large steps to come face to face (almost) with me. For a second I thought it would be okay...I thought he would hear me out and we could forget this shit-show ever happened.

Life is never that kind.

Eren glared down at me, his emerald eyes full of hate, and spat venom with each word he spoke.

“I'm not like you,  _captain_. Revenge was never part of my plan, know why? 'Cuz you'll fuck yourself all on your own”

His words hung in the silence that followed. He saw how they affected me and turned back to Mikasa, grabbing her hand giving it a tug to encourage her to keep walking. He didn't look back or pause in his stride. Mikasa, however,  _did_  look back to give me one triumphant, gleeful smirk before turning back and laughing at something Eren had said.

And with that my heart finally, completely, broke and I was left utterly devastated and defenceless as the man I loved walked away from me with someone else by his side.


	10. White Flag [Part 3]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

"Hanji! Goddamit, four eyes, open the door!"

My fist pounded against the wooden door which shook with the force of each blow. I don't know how that maniac managed to get the keys - they were always with me or Erwin - and it aggravated me more to think that she could of stolen them from me. I heard manic laughter drift in from the other side of the door and I couldn't stop myself from grinding my teeth together.

"No can do! You'll just have to tough it out for a few hours, little man!"  _Little man? The fuck!_

"Bitch!" I screeched giving the door a solid kick, knowing full well it wasn't going to make the slightest difference. I heard Hanji tap the door a few times before telling me to 'get it over with' and then walking away - her chuckles echoing through the halls. I sighed and fell forward, my forehead resting against the door.  _I don't want to be here, Hanji..._ I turned my head to the side and felt my stomach flip with nerves.

"What are you doing?" Locked inside the small room with me was the bratty teenager I had fallen in love with. His back was turned to me but it was obvious that he was eyeing up the window and I could see from my position across the room that he was just as tense as I was. He placed a hand against the glass of the window and peered downwards to the courtyard below.

"I wonder if I'd be able to transform before I hit the ground" I pinched the bridge of my nose - already fed up with his attitude. My patience had worn thin over the last few weeks after seeing Eren and Mikasa together around every turn and I had come to accept that I had lost Eren...Mikasa had clearly sunk her claws in and, by the way she would stare me down, I knew she wouldn't let him go any time soon. However, as much as I wanted to move on I knew I couldn't. I would never be able to find anyone that could compare to him and that frightened me. The thought that without Eren I would be alone. I've heard people say before that your first love is who you compare everyone to...Eren wasn't my first love. I've loved before him, but somehow I know that my love will end with him - so maybe...maybe they have it wrong. Maybe the person you compare everyone to isn't your first love, but your  _true_  love.

But love is fucked up and you always get hurt in the end.

"Are you  _really_  considering jumping out of a window, turning into a titan and risking death in  _both_  forms... just to avoid being in a confined space with me?" My voice had bite to it; I hated the idea of Eren doing something so stupid. What I hated even more, though, was his response. Eren turned and looked me dead in the eyes with the most serious expression I've ever seen him hold.

"Yes"  _Why did I never see how childish this brat can really be?_ I rolled my eyes and looked to the ceiling.

"Go ahead, be my guest" I gestured to the window and Eren stood there with shock written across his face. I allowed myself a satisfied smirk before looking back to the titan and raising an eyebrow.

"What's the matter, brat? Hanji won't be coming back for a  _long_  time, so unless you  _want_  to be here..." I was testing him, seeing how much he really hated me. There was no way I wanted him to jump out the window - I would stop him before he  _ever_  hurt himself - but I needed to know where I stand with him. All too quickly Eren balled his hands into fists and slammed one down on a nearby table, the sound vibrating around the room.

"So that's how it's gonna be? After everything you've put me through  _this_  is how you're going to speak to me?" I shrugged, feigning indifference.

"You won't talk to me what else am I supposed to do?" I kept my voice calm and even and that seemed to just piss him off even more. Eren took a step towards me and pointed a finger in my direction.

"What you're  _supposed_  to do is trust me! I  _told_  you that nothing was going on between Mikasa and I and you  _still_  didn't trust me enough to be loyal..." Eren let out a humorless laugh and shook his head.

"...I guess it was  _me_  who had to worry, huh Levi? Didn't take you long to crawl into someone else's bed" I stood and stormed over to the boy who, in turn, stood his ground. The height difference wasn't huge but I wished - even if it were just for those few seconds - that I could tower over Eren and intimidate him. Unfortunately, Eren was too comfortable around me to be intimidated and he only glared down at me from our positions.

"Don't you  _dare_  talk about that night as if you have  _any_  idea of what happened" I had begun to shake and I wasn't entirely sure if it was out of anger from Eren's accusation or from sickness remembering what had happened. Perhaps a bit of both.

"Oh I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened - how long has that been going on for, exactly? It didn't look like something that had just sprung up...how long have you been fucking him behind my back?" Eren's voice was full of disgust and anger and I had had enough. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I did...I pulled back my hand and struck Eren. My hand instantly began to sting and Eren raised his own to cup his cheek, his eyes full of hurt. I had done worse to him, in the past, but he had never given me a look like that before. I couldn't take it, I looked away.

"I don't appreciate those accusations, brat. I've done nothing wrong, I've got nothing to hide, no secrets...unlike you"

"What secrets am I supposed to have?" His tone changed. Very slightly - barely noticeable - but it changed.  _He sounded almost...guarded_.

"That diary for one - you never told me about that. I don't see why you'd even need something like that when you have me to confide in" Eren cupped his face in his hands, covering it, and brought them downwards letting out a chuckle.

"Oh for fuck sake... _this_?" He pulled the small book from his jacket pocket and held it up for me to see. I nodded and Eren threw the book at me without warning. I caught it mid-air.

"Read it. Go on! If you think I'm hiding something then do it..." Again, he sounded guarded; almost as if he were hoping I wouldn't.  _Fuck this..._ I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be forced into a locked room with Eren and I didn't want to be arguing with him. I threw the book away to the side, causing Eren to yell out in surprise. The book hit the nearby wall and with a loud tearing sound broke as it landed on the floor. I didn't think much of it - it was only a stupid journal after all - but Eren thought different. He quickly rushed to the possession and picked it up with care, testing out the broken cord and spine to see if it would still hold together. When a couple of blank pages fell from the book Eren finally snapped.

"I hate you" Those three words, muttered just loud enough for me to hear, brought tears to my eyes.  _How did we end up this way? Oh, right, because I'm an idiot_. I walked to the opposite side of the room and slid down the wall, my head resting back against it.

"And I wish I had never met you" It was partially true; if I had never met Eren then I wouldn't be hurting, I wouldn't of fallen so hard for him and then be pushed aside. I heard a sniffle come from across the room but didn't look up - I wasn't brave enough to face the mess I had created.

"...The feelings mutual, Levi"

* * *

 

We had been sat in silence for what felt like hours. I could hear Eren messing with his journal but I didn't dare look up - I was too ashamed.  _I had actually_ hit  _Eren..._ I really was heartless. I heard Eren laugh quietly to himself.

"I knew we would never work...I still loved you anyway" He sounded tired.

"It doesn't have to be like this, Eren" I looked up. Eren was watching me. He had been crying and his eyes were red from where he had been rubbing the tears away. He gave me a sad smile.

"I don't see how we can be anything  _but_ this right now. I get so angry when I think about what I saw...I get scared, Levi. I'm scared I'm going to get so angry that I'll transform and lose control. Is this what love is? Because I don't think I want it anymore...Loving you is turning me into a monster" Fresh tears spilled from his eyes and suddenly I didn't care; I didn't care that we were fighting, that he hated me, because Eren was falling apart all over again and I had promised, all those months ago, to be the one to hold him together. I got up and moved to sit next to the brunette and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. At first he was hesitant but then his head rested on my shoulder and I was reminded of that night in his cell.

"You're not a monster, you could never be a monster" I kissed the top of his head and rested my cheek against it, savouring the feel of having him next to me again - if only like this.

"Why is this so hard? I just want to be with you, that's all" I hugged him tighter and felt tears of my own fall down my cheeks.

"I miss you, Eren...I miss you so much" My voice broke and I hated it - I hated feeling weak. But that's what Eren did to me...he was my weakness.

"I can't forgive you for what happened" I reached down and tilted his chin up forcing him to look at me. I made him see the seriousness, the pleading, in my eyes as I spoke to him.

"Eren  _nothing happened_. I promise you. I went looking for  _you_  and found him...we got into an argument and he...he was stronger than me" Eren frowned and placed a his hand over mine.

"Levi...did he...." I shook my head and sniffled.

"Nothing happened" I said more firmly and Eren bit his lip while nodding.

"I'm sorry" He whispered.

"Me too...for everything. I'm sorry for hitting you and for every other reason you're angry at me. I was an asshole and you didn't deserve it. I know my apologies don't mean shit but I promise I'll be better in the future...if there is a future"

"I want a future with you" And then he did it; he gave that smile,  _my smile_ , and my heart melted. This was the boy I loved. He was messy, a bit ruined, and a complete disaster...just like me. And I loved him. I gave Eren's nose a quick kiss and sent him a playful smile.

"Just me?"

"Yeah, asshole, just you" He rubbed the back of his neck, pulling away from me, and sighed.

"I spoke to Mikasa - we were never 'together', you know - and she, uh,  _confessed_  to me..."

"And?" Eren's eyes narrowed.

"And I won't be kissing her again" I chuckled and pulled Eren back to me, enclosing him in my arms.

"I'm, uh, sorry about your journal" Eren shrugged and patted his pocket.

"It's nothing major just looks a bit battered - all the contents are safe"

"I really am sorry..." He playfully poked me in the ribs and I jumped from the shock.

"Stop it. Were good; you don't have to keep apologising, I forgive you"  _What did I ever do to deserve you?_

"I love you, Eren" It didn't seem like enough to just say those three little words but it was all I could do...for now.

"I love you too, Levi"

* * *

 

We had begun to doze off in each other's arms when we were jolted away by the sound of the door opening. Seconds later Hanji poked her head into the room and gave us a huge shit-eating grin.

"Well, well, well you two look awfully cozy" I growled and helped Eren stand.

"Shut the fuck up" I was still sore about her earlier comment.  _Little man my ass!_  Hanji rolled her eyes and stood aside to let out out and I made a mental not to get her back for locking us in there...and to thank her for giving me the opportunity to make things right. I took Eren's hand, ready to drag him away from Hanji, when she placed a hand on Eren's shoulder.

"Hey, kid, ready for some more tests?" Eren visibly shuddered and I pulled him behind me.

"Seriously? Can't it wait until later, Han?" She gave me a smirk.

"Want him all to yourself, Levi? You should learn to share - he's my toy too"

"Watch it" I growled but, like usual, she ignored me.

"These tests are  _very important_  and I don't think they can wait" Eren frowned for a second before something flashed in his eyes. He let go of my hand and gave me a small smile, shrugging his shoulders.

"If it's important I should really go"  _There's that tone again..._

"Alright, I'll come with you" Hanji's smile faltered a moment before forcing it back into place.

"Oh that won't be necessary! It won't take long - I'll send him back fast and in one piece!" I was about to argue the matter but a quick kiss from Eren made me lose whatever argument I had thought up. He gave my hip a squeeze and rested his forehead against mine.

"Wait for me? I won't be long" His eyes shone down at me, pleading, and how could I say no? I reluctantly nodded and watched as Hanji and Eren left for the lab.

_They were both acting a bit strange..._ I rolled my eyes. Hanji was always acting strange; I guess it was finally rubbing off onto Eren. I shuddered at the sudden thought of Eren completely acting like Hanji and changed my train of thought to the upcoming expedition - feeling extremely happy with the way things had turned out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should've learnt by now that happiness never lasts.


	11. Stupid Decisions

The wind cut through his body making his bones ache and his body shudder. He didn't quite know when he had started climbing to the rooftops at night, seeking comfort in the journal of his dead lover, but it had become part of Levi's daily routine to do just that. When his subordinates were sound asleep and the monsters of the night were too weary to attack he would sit on the worn roof of his castle and gaze at the stars for a while before turning to the pages that held what was left of Eren. Some nights he would bring alcohol to help numb the pain, but tonight he had journeyed to his safe haven with the intent on staying sober.

_Some part of me knew all along that what Hanji spoke of was the truth..._

_It scared me, more than anything it terrified me..._

_How could I tell him? How could I tell Levi..._

Tears fell onto the pages and Levi quickly wiped them away, fearing the ink would smudge if he left them. The older man was confused, hurt, and - more than anything - left broken with what he had just read. It made sense - of course it did when he thought about it - but the thought had never crossed his mind. He had never once imagined that Eren would have to face something like this...and Levi was left with the guilt that Eren had to go through it alone. He sighed, closing the journal, and looked up to the stars.

"I know you're up there, brat..." Levi paused almost waiting for a sign that Eren  _was_  listening, however he was not surprised when nothing happened.

"...I miss you, baby, I miss you so much...I thought we'd have more time" Levi reached into the pocket of his trousers and pulled out a small leather pouch, cradling it in his hands.

"I was going to surprise you; I had it all planned out. I was going to wait until after the expedition and bring you to the forest - that spot where I told you how I felt?" Levi smiled down at the pouch and opened it, delicately pulling out the contents.

"I was going to let you think we were just there for training..." The small ring shined in the moonlight as Levi held it between his fingers.

"...Then I'd get one one knee and...and I'd..." His voice broke. He could picture it; Eren - surprise written all over his face - blushing and then smiling brighter than the sun...Levi could picture them sneaking away to the inner city and having a secret ceremony, just the two of them...he could picture Hanji making obscene comments about the wedding night the next morning because  _of course_ she knew about it. Levi could picture his future with Eren living a happy life free from titans and death and sorrow...

"Why, Eren? You stupid brat...why didn't you tell me?" He thought back to the night they made up, the night Eren and Hanji had been acting so strangely, and reflecting upon it he now realised that they weren't acting so strange at all - not knowing this.

"Wait..." Levi opened the journal again and turned to the page he had just read - re-reading the date and working it out in his head.

"...That was when she told you, wasn't it? That night...the  _very important_ tests..." Levi clenched his jaw and closed the journal.

"If I had just gone with them..." He doubled over and rested his hands on the floor, his body shaking with his cries. He hate it - he hated that all of this happened. The universe was cruel to bring two people together just to tear them apart and he suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to scream. It was like he felt pressure building in his chest, a horrible feeling that made his body go hot and cold at the same time and made him gasp for air. Levi opened his mouth and no sound came out which only made the pressure grow. His tears burned a trail down his face and he clutched the tiles of the roof not knowing what to do. He couldn't carry on like this; the crying, the mood swings, the anger...it wasn't going to bring Eren back.

And then he stopped crying.

That single thought stopped the tears and the panic and opened his eyes.

_Eren isn't coming back_.

All this time, in the back of his head, Levi had been subconsciously denying that Eren was really dead. He had been deluding himself that Eren would pop up out of nowhere and tell him some ridiculous story of how he had to go into hiding, how his death was faked to trick the people within the walls - and Levi knew he would punch Eren for making him worry and mourn, and then he would hold him tight and never let him out of his sight because  _holy fuck I'm not losing him again_.

But that was never going to happen.

Eren was dead.

Levi was  _not_  going to see him again.

The thought sobered his mind and, with a smile of defeat on his face, Levi rose from his seated position and stretched his arms above him. He looked up to the stars and closed his eyes.

"It's okay, Eren, I think I'll be okay now"


	12. What Remains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

"Eren, no!"

I whipped my head to the side and saw Eren, in his Titan form, swing his fist in Kirstein's direction - the kid barely avoided getting crushed. Jean swung his blades wildly, signalling Eren to stop, but it was clear that Eren didn't understand; he was too far gone.

"Captain! You have to do something!" Rico yelled while running past me. She pointed to Eren's Titan before leaping from the rooftop and moving closer to the centre of the town. I looked back to where Eren was and saw Armin holding Mikasa back.

"Damnit" I released my hooks and made my way to the group, cutting down a lone Titan in my way. When I landed beside the humans they rushed towards me.

"What happened?!" I growled. Armin kept nervously looking back at Eren who was now ripping apart a titan.

"We don't know, captain. One second he was fine and the next...well just look at him!" I noticed Kirstein was limping and holding his left shoulder; had Eren managed to hurt him? Mikasa bit her lip.

"Let me go talk to him, sir. I know I can calm him down"

"Have you been able to do it before?" Mikasa looked to the floor and Armin shook his head.

"That's what I thought. No, you three move to the centre and help the others; the last thing I heard was that Leonhart had been taken down" The three shared a glance before reluctantly nodding. I placed a hand on Jean's shoulder as he passed by and stopped him.

"Can you continue?" Jean rolled his shoulder, winced in pain, and gave me a curt nod.

"I've seen soldiers carry on with worse, I'll be fine" I removed my hand and watched as they left me with Eren, who had now finished the titan off and was staring at me. I slowly sheathed my blades and held both my hands palm up as I walked to the edge of the roof.

"Hey, brat, mind telling me what the fuck you think you're doing?" Eren's ears twitched and his eyes followed my movements. When he didn't respond I lowered my hands.

"Eren, if you can still understand me I need you to prove it" Eren raised his hand and I was just able to dodge and roll to the side as his hand came down and destroyed the patch of building I had been standing on. Before he could move it, I quickly regained my balance and ran along his arm - the heat from his skin slowly burning through the soles of my boots. When I got to his shoulder he tried swatting me away with his other hand only for me to use the gear to swing onto the other side of him. I then grabbed onto a strand of wild hair, aiming to climb onto his nose, when - without warning - Eren flicked his head upwards. I felt the hair slip from my hands and watched in slight panic as Eren opened his mouth wide waiting for me to fall so he could swallow me whole. I didn't want to hurt him - I loved him - but I wasn't going to let him hurt  _me_  either. As my body started to fall downwards I pulled out one of my blades and gripped it with two hands. When I got close enough I forced the blade downwards, through Eren's tongue, and into his lower jaw. I landed with one foot under the titan's nose and the other on his chin allowing me to still keep a grip on my blade and also look into his eyes. A wave of air almost knocked me off as Eren let out an agonized roar, but I wasn't about to let go - not again; I may not be so lucky next time.

"Eren! Cut this shit out! Now is  _not_  the time for this! I know you can hear me so, please, come back! Come back to me, Eren! I don't want to...I can't kill you..." The titan was panting and I could feel his tongue trying to move beneath me however, his arms stayed by his sides. I stared into his bright eyes and silently prayed that he would understand me. When he still didn't attack I took a risk and removed the blade from his tongue and jaw, all the while keeping my eyes locked onto his. After I put the blade away I placed a hand on Eren's burning skin and gave his nose a gentle kiss.

"Please..." Something hot and wet touched my butt and made me jump up in surprise. When I looked down I saw Eren's tongue, already healing itself, licking against my leg. I looked back into his eyes and saw what looked like amusement sparkle within them.

"Eren?" His tongue flicked my butt again and pushed me upwards - my feet almost leaving Eren completely - and I gently kicked Eren's face in response.

"You're going to be the death of me, brat...hey! Stop that!" Eren retracted his tongue and growled [chuckled?]. I gave him a small smile before turning serious again - we  _were_ in the middle of battle.

"Eren we need you to stay focused. Annie has been taken down, or so I've heard, and I still don't trust those other two...They say they're on our side  _now_  but their word doesn't mean shit to me" Eren nodded, gently as I was still on him, and I saw his eyes searching around us.

"I told your friends to leave; they weren't helping the situation" A scream made Eren flinch and we turned our heads to see a building get destroyed, bodies being flung into the air and the armored titan ripping the head off an abnormal.

"We need to go" Eren grunted and licked me again and this time I bent down and gave his nose another kiss.

"Don't you die on me, brat" I said jokingly, however underneath I was being serious. He needed to be careful and I wasn't prepared to lose someone else. Eren reached up and gently placed me on his shoulder before letting out a war cry [roar?] and running in the direction of the armored titan.

* * *

 

The battle was over and we had lost many good soldiers...but this was it. The titans were finished. It felt surreal to think that; it didn't seem natural to know that there would be no more titans breaking down the walls and murdering villages. At the same time, however...it felt amazing. I wiped blood from my face with the back of my hand and spotted two familiar recruits slowly walking along the ruins of the street. I jumped down from my position and caught up to them.

"Springer! Braus!" The pair both gave me a weary smile and I noticed two things; one was that Springer had a large wound on his head and his knuckles appeared to be bruised and blood - and two, that Braus was leaning heavily on her friend because she was missing the lower half of her right leg. Her trousers had been tied to try and reduce the bleeding but it was clear that, without immediate medical attention, the girl wouldn't last very long. I gave the girl a grim nod and she seemed to shrug.

"Did you need something, captain?" Connie kept walking, obviously seeking help for his friend, and I walked beside them.

"Have you seen Eren? I lost him after the colossal changed back" I had started to worry that he had been taken - another attempted kidnapping - but I had forced myself to stay calm. Where would the other shifters even take him now?

"I haven't seen him for a while...but last I saw he was making a run for the wall" Connie nodded ahead of us to the wall and I let out a sigh. If he was running it meant he was alright.

"Thanks" I was about to turn and leave when I heard a pained gasp. Sasha had gripped onto the bloody end of her leg and was trying, failing, to hold back tears. Connie's face was full of panic as he lifted the girl bridal style and looked to me for help that we both knew I couldn't give.

"My straps are broken...I can't take her to the wall" Connie nuzzled into Sasha's hair and bit his lip.

"Give her to me. I'll take her to the wall" Connie seemed reluctant but handed the girl, who was rather heavy, to me. He took her free hand in his and gave it a quick kiss before smiling up at the brunette.

"You hang in there, yeah?" Sasha stuck her tongue out and gave a weak laugh.

"Sure thing, baby" Connie nodded at me, which I returned, and then we were flying to the wall. I had one arm firmly wrapped under the teenager while she clung onto my neck with hers.

"I'm not going to make it, am I?" Her voice was getting weaker.

"Hanji will help you...crazy woman always has  _something_  up her sleeve" Sasha shook her head.

"I've lost too much blood, sir" She rested her head against my shoulder and sighed.

"We're almost there...hang in a little longer" I felt her nod against my shoulder and accelerated us faster.

We reached the wall and I was quick to hand over the dying girl only to be told that she had already passed us - her pulse was gone. I didn't cry for her, Connie would do plenty of that when he found out, but I knew I would still mourn her death with the rest of her friends. We had never talked much or been close but she was a brave soldier and she shouldn't have died this way.

"Levi..." Rico stood beside me and I was glad to see only a few scratches on her face and arms, nothing major or life threatening. She took my hand, something I know she would never usually do, and pulled me along the wall for a few minutes. When we started to slow our pace I began to see a small crowd gathered. When we got closer the crowd of injured recruits parted slightly and I saw Mikasa clinging onto a kneeling Eren, who was visibly shaking and crying. Mikasa's arms were around him in an embrace and I felt my temper rise. I took a step forward, ready to pull her away from him, when I saw it and froze. Laying, distorted in front of Eren and Mikasa was the corpse of Armin Arlert.

I felt bile rise and forced it back down - how could  _he_  of all people be dead? The kid was smart, scarily so, and had survived this long...

"How did this happen?" The question was aimed at noone in particular, however I was hoping someone would answer it.

"We don't know for sure, but from what we can see it appears the boy was crushed to death" I closed my eyes and grimaced.I had seen many soldiers get crushed in their final moments and I knew it was one of the worst ways to go. I opened my eyes and watched as everyone stared at the pair knelt beside Armin.

"Rico, get everyone away from here" She nodded and instantly began to push her way through the crowd, telling everyone to move along and get themselves rested. When most of the crowd had moved away I walked up behind Eren. Mikasa looked up, her face stained with tears, and for once there was no anger in her eyes.

"We have to get you both checked out..." Mikasa rested her head on top of Eren's and held him tighter.

"My left arm is broken along with most of my ribs...Eren's okay, physically" I could hear her voice was strained and I couldn't imagine how much it must hurt her to speak and move with broken ribs. I knelt on the other side of Eren and placed a hand on his back.

"Eren...Eren we have to go..." No response. I moved my hand to his shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze.

"I understand you're upset but we need to look you over...Mikasa is hurt, Eren. Don't you want to help her?" Something flashed in Eren's eyes, that were firmly glued onto Armin's unmoving body, and fresh tears fell from his eyes.

"No" I blinked.

"No? You don't want to help her?" Eren reached forward and brushed shaking fingers against Armin's outstretched hand.

"I can't leave him...I have to protect him..." Mikasa gently pulled Eren's arm back and buried her face into his hair.

"Please leave us" She muttered. I frowned and shook my head, though she couldn't see it.

"Mikasa I don't think..."

"Please leave us" I was shocked and hurt that this time the plea came from Eren. I pursed my lips and pulled my hand away from him.

"I'm not leaving you like this" Eren, eyes still on the corpse, reached out and squeezed my hand once.

"Please..." I didn't want to leave him, but I could hear it in his voice; he  _needed_  to be alone with Mikasa. It had been just the three of them for a very long time, childhood friends, and now there would just be the two. I understood how it felt to lose someone so close to you - I had the misfortune to lose two - and some part of me knew that leaving him now would be okay. So I stood, backed away from the grieving pair and left in search of Hanji. While I was still walking along the wall I heard a scream of anguish and the word 'no' repeated. I recognised the voice and looked away as Connie clung to Sasha, who had long since passed from this world.

* * *

 

It had been six hours and the remaining scouts had returned to their bases.

I was currently sat opposite Eren who had insisted that he return to his previous cell and be chained to the wall. No-one had questioned it, though it was an odd request, and I had been informed immediately as soon as Eren had been chained. The door was left unlocked so I had walked straight in and taken a seat, cross-legged, on the end of Eren's bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eren shrugged.

"It can help, you know? I'm right here...talk to me" I held out my arms and Eren shuffled forward, turned around, and leaned back against me. My arms wrapped around him and I kissed his neck as he rested his head against my shoulder.

"What happened?" Eren's breathing was erratic and he was still shaking from earlier.

"I was fighting alongside Armin and Mika and this abnormal showed up out of nowhere...She kept going for my friends and they were barely avoiding the titan. I thought I could help..." Eren took a shaky breath and I gave him another kiss for encouragement.

"...I grabbed Armin and Mikasa in my hands to protect them, so the abnormal started to attack me...I fought her off but...My attention was on the titan..." I felt my blood run cold as I started to realise what had happened.

"Eren..."

"...I should have put them down...I was trying to protect them..."

"Eren..."

"...I opened my hand and he was just...there...still and... _broken_..." I held Eren tighter.

"Mikasa was screaming but I didn't know why at the time; I just thought she was scared. I tried to put them both on the ground but Armin wasn't moving and Mikasa  _couldn't_  move...I didn't understand...I took them to the wall but they still weren't moving..."

"Shhh...It's okay" I ran my hand through Eren's hair as he began crying.

"I was trying to protect them" I understood. Eren would never hurt his friends intentionally, but accidents happen...

"I know you were..." We sat like that for a while as I let Eren cry it out. When he started to calm down he turned around and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"We were going to see the ocean together"

"Ocean?" I didn't recognise the word. I felt Eren nod.

"A big area outside the walls covered in water. Armin sneaked a book past his grandpa one time and showed me drawings of it" I smiled as I imagined a young Eren and Armin reading about an 'ocean'.

"That sounds nice, Eren"

"We were going to go to the ocean and see the desert and Armin wanted to see these things called el-oh-fants" I had no idea what a 'desert' or 'el-oh-fant' was but Eren seemed to understand the foreign words and the memories seemed to be keeping him calm. He was still crying, and shaking, but it was more controlled now.

"That book sounds pretty amazing"

"We weren't supposed to have it; it was a forbidden book. But Armin was desperate to read it so he stole it and convinced me to read it with him..." Eren laughed and I couldn't help but smile down at him.

"Armin is in a better place now, Eren" The brunette nodded slowly and sighed, wiping away his tears.

"I know...I just wish that place was beside me"

"Think of it this way - he's free to see the ocean now as much as he wants" I saw Eren smile and felt proud that I had made him smile still even after losing his best friend.

"Hey, Levi?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going to happen now? I mean, now that the titans are all gone?" Honestly I had no idea what was going to happen - all I knew was that I wanted Eren by my side through it all.

"Everything will be okay now...the nightmare is finally over" Eren seemed to accept this answer and relaxed in my arms. After a few minutes he was fast asleep and I, too, felt the effects of the day wash over me. I moved, careful not to wake Eren, and lay down on the bed with Eren on top of me. I pulled a set of keys from my pocket and slowly unlocked the chains, freeing his wrists, and rubbed the spot where the chains had scuffed him. I kissed his head and smiled when he let out a sigh.

"It's over...No-one else has to die..." My eyes closed and not long after I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.


	13. Let's Pretend

Everyone stared in surprise as their captain strolled through the training yard with a, very small, smile on his face. Some of the members had never even  _seen_  Levi smile before and here he was smiling to himself as if the world around him didn't exist. It was odd, to say the least, but no-one questioned it. No-one except Hanji.

"Hey, Lev!" She tested out the nickname that she knew he hated and, sure enough, the captain flipped her off.

"What is it now, four-eyes?" Hanji noted the playful tone in his voice and decided to walk with him to wherever he was going.

"Do I need a reason to hang out with my bestest friend in the world?" Levi rolled his eyes.

"What do you want?" Hanji eyed the smaller man and thought how to word her response.

"You look good, Levi" Levi raised an eyebrow at her statement and looked her over, stepping away from her slightly.

"Uh...yeah...you too?" Levi had known for a long time that Hanji was never interested in a relationship with anyone, but right then she was watching him closely and commenting on his appearance...it made him feel a bit awkward. Hanji laughed.

"I mean you look happier...you look better" Levi gave a small shrug and smiled to himself.

"I feel better" Hanji nodded and looked around, realising that they were walking towards the forest. After the titans had been wiped out not many people trained anymore – there was no need to, really – which meant that no-one practiced with their gear. The forest had become a useless aesthetic surrounding the castle.

"Plan to do some gardening?" Levi gave his friend a light shove and pulled Eren's journal from his pocket enough for Hanji to see.

"I come here to think sometimes...get away from everyone" Hanji nodded in understanding. The pair stopped at the edge of the forest.

"Levi...are you sure you're okay?" Levi smiled and nodded.

"Really, Han, I feel fine...I think I finally know how to handle it all" Hanji was surprised when Levi pulled her into a hug, but she didn't reject him and quickly hugged back. As he pulled away he flicked her forehead playfully and smirked.

"Thank you, Hanji. You've helped me a lot after...well, after everything" Hanji rolled her eyes and nodded.

"So, I guess this is where I leave you...goodnight, Hanji" Levi turned and walked into the forest leaving Hanji to watch his figure disappear into the trees.

"Goodnight, Levi" Hanji smiled to herself as she walked back to the castle, not noticing the sky darkening. She still thought it odd how calm Levi was now – but she thought that perhaps he had moved on from the mourning period. She was happy for him, happy that he had found a way to cope...but something didn't feel right. In the pit of her stomach, Hanji knew something was off...

Perhaps it was the area; Levi usually read the journal on the roof.

Perhaps it was time; Levi usually waited until everyone was already asleep to read the journal.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Perhaps it was the way Levi had said goodnight to her...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


...Or perhaps it was the fact that she had overlooked the blades hanging from Levi's waist...


	14. Reality [Part 1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

"You can't be serious!" I roared. The judge scowled down at me from his raised, safe position and I gripped the bar separating us tighter. The witnesses were silent, for once, as they awaited the judge's response to my outburst.

"I don't believe I asked for your opinion on the matter, Mr Ackerman" The judge's tone was clipped and carried a warning, but I didn't care. I looked to Eren, who had been chained to a post along with Reiner, and saw his body shaking with fear.

"Look at them! They're no threat to us!" I gestured to the pair with my hand and the judge slammed his own against the wood of his desk. A loud 'bang' echoed throughout the hall and the judge turned his enraged gaze to my left.

"Control your subordinate or he will be removed from my court" A hand gripped onto my arm and pulled me backwards, away from the barrier. I stumbled and fell back against a hard chest only to have an arm wrap around my own and my arms.

"I apologize – it won't happen again" The judge nodded and turned away from us, opening his mouth to continue his speech.

"Get your hands off him!" Eren's eyes glowed with hatred as he all but snarled the command at Erwin – who was restraining me. His fear temporarily forgotten the shifter strained against his chains and tried to stand causing the judge to slam his hands, once again, against his desk.

"Silence!"

"Not until Levi is away from  _him_ " Reiner chuckled and gently kicked Eren's foot with his own.

"That's it, Eren, defend your girl" I felt my eye twitch at the comment but was relieved to feel the arm being removed from my body. I didn't look back as I moved to my original spot and quickly shook my head at Eren. Once he saw I was away from the commander his body visibly relaxed and I gave him a nod to show that I was okay.

"No threat, you say?" The judge smirked down at me and I didn't bother to hide the glare I aimed at him.

"Defending a loved one is different from going on a murderous rampage" I heard a few people in the crowd gasp but ignored them.

"Loved one?"

"Yes. Eren is my partner" The judge threw Eren a disgusted look before leaning forward in his seat.

"How...modern" I ran my tongue over my clenched teeth to hold back the words I knew would get me in trouble.

"Sir...the titans are all dead; at last we can live our lives in peace. I'm sure it doesn't have to come to this" As much as I hated Erwin I silently thanked him for standing up to the judge. His eyes ran over Eren who bristled at the attention and then Reiner, who bared his teeth in a feral smile.

"That's the trouble though, isn't it commander?" Erwin gave the judge a confused smile and tilted his head to the side.  _Always the 'innocent'..._

"Trouble, sir? I don't think I understand" The judge's eyes roamed over Eren and Reiner who tensed and raised their heads.

"The titans are all dead, are they? That's funny, commander, because I'm looking at two right now" Erwin gave a tight-lipped smile.

"These men fought beside us against the titans, two of their comrades gave their lives for the progression of mankind..."

"...and that doesn't excuse the fact that they are  _not human_ " The judge spoke over Erwin and I had to look away. My eyes found Eren's and I saw the fear slowly seeping back into them.

"Sir...Eren, at the very least, is no threat" The judge smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Thank you, Mr Ackerman, I'll take that into consideration" He turned back to Eren and Reiner.

"Boys. Do you understand  _why_  the both of you are standing here today?" Eren and Reiner looked at each other.

"Dumb luck?" Reiner joked, earning a glare from the judge.

"You are both here,  _alive_ , today because we had a use for you; help defeat the titans and free humanity. That 'use' is now non-existent"  _He can't be serious...he can't be serious..._

"Sir?" Eren ground out through clenched teeth.

"What I'm saying is that we have no need to keep you alive anymore – either of you" My heart slowed and it felt like everything was going in slow motion.

"In four days' time you will both be publicly executed and the terror of the titans will come to an end. We cannot risk keeping you both alive, so I suggest that you use this time wisely to say your goodbyes" The judge's words were final. There was silence for a few seconds...and then all hell broke loose.


	15. Reality [Part 2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ###FLASHBACK###

I held him in my arms tightly because I knew if I let him go now then that would be it. I couldn't - wouldn't - let that happen. He moved his head to look upwards at me and he gave me a sad smile.

"Don't think about it" I closed my eyes and buried my face in his hair ignoring what he said. How could I not think about it? I felt his arms wrap around my body and I couldn't stop myself from shaking as I held back the tears. Eren began to rub small, soothing circles onto my skin and I let out a shaky breath as I willed myself to calm down. When I felt my heart rate return to normal I planted a gentle kiss on Eren's forehead.

"How can you be so calm about this?" Eren shrugged and bit his lip.

"Calm? I'm not calm...I'm terrified...but I know that nothing is going to change the outcome" He brushed his fingers against my split lip and shook his head.

"You shouldn't have done that, you know?" I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm.

"I don't care – you hear me? I don't care what anybody says...I'm not letting them kill you" Eren squeezed my hand and moved further up my body so his face was in front of mine. I could see every emotion burning through his beautiful eyes and it was breaking my soul.

"Shhh...it'll be alright" My arms pulled him closer to me and I tasted my own tears in the corner of my mouth as my lips pressed against his.

"This is so fucked up" I murmured against him. Eren gave me a confused look.

"I'm supposed to be comforting  _you_ , not the other way around" Eren rolled his eyes and flicked my forehead.

"Way to ruin the moment" He lowered his eyes as he began to trace patters onto my chest – a habit I had learnt that meant he was nervous. I couldn't blame him. But, even through what was happening, I couldn't help but smile. He was mine.

"What are you smiling at?" Eren gently poked the corner of my mouth and then shrieked as I playfully tried to bite at the finger.

"You...I love you so, so much, Eren. I swear I couldn't love you more than I do right now and, yet I know I will love you even more tomorrow" A blush crept onto Eren's cheeks and I caught the stray tears that fell.

"You're such a softie, you know that?" I pulled him down onto my chest and held him again. It's all I could do; hold him and tell him how much he was loved.

Time passed and soon enough I noticed Eren's breathing had evened out. His arms, that had been tightly wrapped around my shoulder, now gently rested lower against my collar bones and his head was tucked into my shoulder. I was tired – so tired – but I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to miss out on the few precious moments I had left with Eren.

"Levi?"

"Eren? I thought you were asleep" Eren chuckled and shook his head slightly.

"Levi...tomorrow..."

"Don't. Please, Eren, don't" But he wasn't having it. He quickly sat up, straddling my waist, and I could see so much emotion in his eyes as he spoke his next words to me.

"Levi, please. Tomorrow...tomorrow I'm going to die. I don't want to die. I want to grow old with you and when I die I want to be lying in your arms. I'm going to die, Levi, but I can't accept it without you knowing how much I love you" I sat up, so we were face to face and wrapped my arms around him.

"I know you doubt it, sometimes, but know that I've never once doubted my love for you. I choose you, Levi. I'd choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality; I'd find you and I'd choose you. So tomorrow, when I die, please don't be too sad. Please be happy and healthy and just wait for me. Wait for me to come find you again"

"Eren..."

"Promise me. Promise me you'll live your life happy and healthy for me"

"I...promise" 


	16. Goodnight

It's rare that Levi is allowed a moment to himself so when the opportunity arises he takes it. He takes a moment to enjoy the peacefulness that the forest offers and reclines back against the tree, legs dangling either side of the branch he is perched on. It's not the most comfortable of positions but it allows him stability and gives him a good enough view of the castle from where he is sat. It's the little things...the dim glow from the windows, the soft puffs of smoke from the chimney, that curls his lips into a shell of a smile. The home he had inhabited for so long still stood strong and it felt good for Levi to know that it was being cared for so well. 

He could imagine Hanji, just then, slaving away in her lab. The woman refused to sleep when work could be done - even now - and Levi wondered if she would remain restless to her last days...whether they all would. His subordinates had been trained for battle; to be alert and ready for danger at any time...that wasn't something that would just fade over time. They had seen the horrors of the world, lived through it, and Levi hoped that one day they would all find peace with it.

It was upon that thought that Levi stood and braced himself against the tree. Peace...it was such a strange notion. Levi wondered if he had ever felt at peace in his lifetime...

_Of course you did - Eren brought you peace_

Eren...Levi's beautiful, strong Eren...it no longer hurt to think of him and Levi supposed that it was a good sign. That he was taking a step in the right direction. For so long he had felt nothing but pain and then he had felt absolutely nothing at all and it was such a relief to finally feel so weightless. He had accepted Eren's death and it felt good.

In the back of his mind the scene played out once more - Eren's final moments. Levi's heart no longer broke, his lungs no longer felt empty - not like that day.

**_They bound his hands behind his back and forced him to his knees reminding me of that day so long ago when he stood trial. I watched, no emotion showing, as they forced his head downwards. I was forced to watch as the sword was raised high above the executioner's head..._ **

Levi smiled softly to himself as he remembered Eren's final words; the words they had shared so many times before, that had never seemed so full of emotion. 

**_Through it all Eren smiled, smiled for me, and even though I could see the present fear in his eyes I knew that he had come to accept it. There was no escaping what was about to happen and he knew it. When his lips curved into a watery smile I forced myself to return it - it was the least I could do for him - and with a breathlessness to his voice Eren told me he loved me, one final time._ **

**_When the blade passed through his neck I felt dead inside. When they burned his body after the execution I cried, unashamed, and began to mourn for the boy who stole my heart._ **

Levi took a deep breath as he unhooked the blade from his waist and held it in front of him. The moonlight glistened off the metal and Levi found it quite ironic how something so dangerous could seem so beautiful in a different light. Levi licked his lips, glanced to the castle one last time. 

He was not afraid, he was not filled with regret. This was his peace and Levi had to take it.

Levi's final thoughts were of Eren as the blade pierced his chest; of the light touches and gentle smiles, of his furrowed brows and sparkling eyes. It hurt, Levi wouldn't lie, but he ignored the pain as best he could - he had been through worse in his life. Losing Eren had been the worst pain imaginable. 

"Eren...forgive me"

It took mere moments for Levi's vision to blur, for his legs to tremble and head to spin. He barely registered the feeling of his body falling from the branch and the jolt of colliding with the ground lasted only a second before his world turned dark. 

Levi Ackerman, humanities strongest, had left the world behind with the ghost of a smile on his lips. Finally, he was at peace. 


	17. Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter!

"Did it hurt?"

Levi blinked a moment before smiling and taking the outstretched hand. He was pulled to his feet with ease and he found himself marveling at how good he really felt.

"Losing you hurt a lot more"

Levi laughed as Eren slapped his arm, shaking his head as a smile crept onto his face. 

"Asshole...you broke your promise" 

Levi captured Eren's hand in his own again and linked their fingers. After being without him for long Levi was reluctant to ever let Eren go again.

"I'm sorry"

"No your not...I heard you, though. I forgive you" 

Levi hummed, content, as Eren nodded over his shoulder then. Levi glanced behind himself and frowned as he saw his body pressed to the dirt, his blade broken from the impact. The scene was strange to see, though Levi felt little for it. When he felt a tug on his hand his attention was easily caught and he turned away from his corpse.

"They'll find you soon...it's best we don't watch" 

"We can watch?"

Eren nodded and pulled Levi away, deeper into the forest.

"Of course. I've been with you, Levi, always. It broke my heart to see you so...well...broken...but that doesn't matter now"

_No...I guess it doesn't_

Levi followed Eren - would follow him anywhere - and watched the scenery pass him by. They didn't travel far from the castle and Levi wondered how far they could really go...whether there were limits. He guessed they had all the time in the world to find out.

"Armin is around here somewhere, though he  _did_  say he'd give us some alone time before he came back"

"Armin's here too?"

"Yeah...crazy, right? We can finally go see the ocean, Levi. We can all go" 

Levi thought that would be wonderful and squeezed Eren's hand tighter. 

"Oh! There's this redhead too...says she's been waiting for you? I didn't know you had a sister?"

If Levi's heart was still beating he knew it was have faltered then. Everything seemed too good to be true...maybe it was. Maybe none of it was real and Levi still lay on the forest floor in the darkness, his brain using the last of it's strength to give him a good final thought. Maybe it was all real, maybe Levi had found paradise. 

Either way he was happy and with Eren by his side he knew he would remain happy for however long he remained. 


End file.
